I've learned that I have been doing things to glorify myself. I feel that from a point of my life, somewhere somehow, things that I do on social media and even with music has become an activity to glorify myself. The photo I posted on social media, the conversation I had the other day with a friend of mine, the frustration I felt from lack of understanding in other people, even the sexual desire has been focused on myself, me, me, me, it was about pleasing myself, praising myself, comforting myself... Self glorification, self idolisation, whatever that is, it has certainly been my foundation in my thinkings, decisions I've been making and to be honest, there's been so many things that has backfired on me due to this brokenness. Yes. It's a brokenness that needs healing. Being brutally honest here, that I need healing. My brokenness has caused so much confusion, so much of the inconfidence, the timidness, anxiety and loneliness. It is the foundation of sin too. It may be hard to understand but I think self-idolisation is at the core of the sinful nature. It is me trying to be God.
Pastor Brian asks, "if your prayers are answered, does that change your world or THE world?"
Reaccessing my life, I realise, my prayers are indeed for me, and me alone that it has nothing to do with the changes the world desperately need.
So here I am, praying. I pray that my desires would change, that I would no longer self-glorify but really care and love others, love God with all my heart and my soul, to make a real difference in the world. The thing is, I don't know what that means in my life, I don't know what loving others truly look like because I haven't done it for a long time. I am emptying myself to fill it in with God's goodness and true humility. I ask God to show me the ways to love others and love him. To use the creativity and gifts that he has given me to love him and glorify him and express His message through the work that I make. I hope to see people's lives changed, lost being found, troubled ones find peace and joy, people eternally saved, having breakthroughs in their lives, witnessing God's goodness in their lives, poor being strengthened... I want to reflect His beauty, the beauty within me, Him living in me. Like the sun that warms us, gives us life, comforts us, I hope my music show people the loving heart of our God, comfort them, gives them life, and warms them up to life. No more I, I, I, but be a vessel that reflects God's light upon people. That's how I want my music to be.